He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
