the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
