Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
