It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
