the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Boobs speak an international language.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
whose parrot is this?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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