Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
