I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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