I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Vodka?
Forever.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
