Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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