When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
