Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
