I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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