You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
