Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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