Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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