What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
