I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
