Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
