I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
