you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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