I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
