6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
