He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
