What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
