Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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