Pregnant stripper...not hot.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
