I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
