i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
