$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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