she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had to cum in my sink.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
