Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
