The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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