She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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