he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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