Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
