I am midnight drunk by noon
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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