mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
