Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
