I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The struggles of a small town man whore
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
