The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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