every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
