I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
