I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize