Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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