Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
