i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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