I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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