We won't sleep together?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
