I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is it because I queefed?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
