I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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