ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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