Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
