I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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