You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ugly people sure do ruin things
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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