You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
