So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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