i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
