Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
