So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Houston, we have a squirter
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
