he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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