so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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